My story began on a winter's day when I was born.
But the story you are here to read began on a summer's day when I married Pete.
At the time of our marriage Pete was chaste and pure. He had incidentally seen pornography as a teenager, but never sought it out. Our first few years of marriage were much like any other.
Then there was the beginning of resentments that grew inside of Pete about marraige, sex, and disappointed expectations of what he thought it would be like. Gradually Pete's coping mechanism for his blighted hopes of intimacy took the form of lust. As he began his career and began traveling he had opportunity to be exposed to the world of pornography in the form of hotel adult movie channels. His first few incidents were months apart, followed by painful but genuine confessions. I was ashamed and devastated, he felt terrible and was sure it was fleeting. Neither of us thought much beyond the anguish of the moment.
The addiction finally manifested itself as a compulsive behavior when Pete got a smart phone for work. All of the sudden it was avaiable to him anytime, in the most private of settings. It was so easy to indulge, and new psychological responses were taking over.
The summer of 2011 was rough for me. Incidents became more freqent and I began to feel more desperate. Finally in the fall he began to see a counselor, we discovered 12-step meetings, he shared his secret with his father and I saw a counselor as well. Over the course of a few months we both began our recovery journey.
Today I find myself doing much better. I have learned so much. I am grateful for so much. But we still find ourselves in the midst of this addiction, with periodic relapses and manifestations of addictive behavior.
I write in the hope that someone who is lonely or hurting can find solace in my company. I also write as an outlet for the feelings that are ever changing and evolving.