03 August 2016

Checking In


A few recent events have brought me back to this space, to write about how I’m feeling and how I’m trying to live.  I’ve had some thoughts swirling in my brain lately, after we made a big move back to the United States, spent two months in transition, and Pete acted out again after a really wonderful six months of sobriety.  I’m feeling compassion for him, transitions are so hard, losing his support system and dealing with the stresses of his work life, while trying to get our family settled, is bound to take its toll.  But I’m also feeling disappointed, frustrated and anxious about it all. 

It’s much easier to live in emotional and mental health when Pete is doing the same.  When we both take care of our stuff our relationship thrives, and it is so fulfilling.  But when one of us starts to lose our grip, it’s hard for the other one to hold steady.  And this morning something clicked in my brain.  To my friend[s] who have tried to explain this to me and I wasn’t understanding, I apologize, because I think I’m catching on.

I thought that recovering from co-dependency meant that my happiness would not be dependent on other people’s behavior.  Today, that seems like an impossible, and even not desirable goal.  When I’m emotionally connected to someone I love, there are going to be things they say or do that cause me to feel sadness.  Sadness is not happiness.  I used to believe that detachment meant, severing the emotional connection so that I DIDN’T feel sad when they said or did hurtful things. 

The word serenity, that I hear so often in recovery, is all of the sudden much more meaningful to me.  It’s not my happiness I need to protect, I’ve mentioned before that I don’t personally believe happiness should be the object of my existence. I understand how beneficial other feelings can be to my human experience.  It’s my serenity I want to protect. My peace. My contentment. My ability to not go to my crazy place during the midst of my sadness, disappointment, hurt and even fear. 

So what was working for me during the last six months? Well for starters Pete’s sobriety and his serenity were working for me. (Tongue and cheek, insert squinty-eye-emoji.)  But my number one tool for feeling my own peace is acceptance.  And I could probably write an entire post just about acceptance, and my evolution from hating that word to embracing it.  I’m trying each day to get present in my reality, and then make the most of it.  

While I sit in this sadness, and accept the hurt that inevitably comes from being emotionally connected to people, I’m hoping I can stay connected to God, practice gratitude and keep some serenity. 

  

7 comments:

  1. Loved this! Love you! Can't wait to see you and give you a big hug!

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  2. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. In Jan of last year I discovered his porn addiction. He had been lying boldly for over a decade. I truly had no idea. No-one was more trusting than I was. I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me and treated him as such. I was put through the ringer emotionally. I finally felt more at peace in June then I found out he had been relapsing for three months in spite of the support group he was going to and the hell he has put me through. Now we are six months out and he swears he hasn't acted out, but he hasn't made any efforts to repair our relationship. And he is never forthright in talking about issues. Basically acts like he is cured. I know this addiction is a process so that doesn't sit right with me.So i sit in my marriage waiting for the other shoe to drop. Should I give into trust or is that completely naive.

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    Replies
    1. Chelsea- I haven't checked this blog in a long time but this morning for some reason I felt like I should look, and I came across your comment from the other day. I have so much to say- you can email me if you like. But just a quick word- you don't have to trust him right now- but you don't have to throw him out either. Be patient with yourself and your path through forgiveness and back to trust. He has a lot of work to do. In the meantime- there is a journey that waits for you- a chance to find your strength and independence that will empower you to write your story whether or not he decides to show up for your marriage. Sending you love and support and empathy- I'm sorry for his betrayal, there's no way around that pain. Hugs. -Jane

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  3. I have been married for 27 years this March. I found out two weeks ago that my husband was watching porn,again. I say again because throughout our marriage i have found out about it like atleast 5 times. This time he says it disgusts him, he wanted to stop but didnt know how. He is now going to celebrate recovery. I dont know what to do. Im not sure if i believe or trust him. He has deep emotional hurts from his childhood, current medical problems and a whole lot of other issues which drive him to porn. Some days im ok, others im completely angry. Im not sure where to turn for help but i know i need it too. The last few days i feel like i cant take it and just want our marriage over. Some friends who have gone through or currently going through it for support may help. Thanks.

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  4. I love this my sweet Jane. You are so spot on, thank you for your insights, you are loved!!

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