I hadn't planned to post anything until after the new year. I was anxious to focus on Christmas and enjoy time with family. Unfortunately, addiction knows no calendar, recognizes no holidays. One of Pete's worst episodes happened in the days leading up to Mother's day. It was easy at that time to mourn in my victim-hood and wallow in self-pity. Now, thankfully I suppose, because of the many things I'm learning it is not so easy to do that.
I want to write about addiction, itself, because when I find myself feeling angry and confused the knowledge I've gained on the subject rescues me from bitterness. I should point out that understanding addiction only helps me intellectually. I still feel the emotional hurt, but I can intellectually answer the "WHY!?!?" questions and that is a good starting place for me.
Elder Russell M. Nelson said:
"Addiction surrenders... freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will!"
I love this quote. I cling to these words. Every time I ask myself "Why doesn't he just NOT LOOK?" or "If he knows how this will hurt me, and him, why does he continue?"
Why? WHY? WHY!
I won't get into the physiological changes that occur when an individual becomes addicted, I'm not qualified to do so. But if you don't believe that there are chemical and neurological changes involved, I encourage you to learn about it. It might bring you great comfort. (At least intellectually.) Elder Marvin J. Ashton explained that addicts "are prisoners within their own bodies. Many feel totally helpless, dependent, and desperate."
As I mentioned before, this knowledge doesn't prevent the sting of relapse. The hurt still comes. But this knowledge helps me see Pete in a different way, and although his actions caused my hurt, I find it easier to forgive him because I know what he's up against.
18 December 2011
14 December 2011
the merry-go-round
A couple years ago I took an institute class of sorts, designed for mothers. It meant once a week and it was generally a parenting class but the teacher spent one week each semester discussing marriage. She talked about how as women we are always saying to ourselves
"When he treats me better, THEN I will be more affection with him. If he starts meeting MY needs then I will consider his needs. When he is doing ________ then I can't feel love for him."
Unfortunately our husbands are thinking
"It doesn't matter if I do what she wants, she still won't be intimate. If she would consider what I want, then I could be more loving to her."
Our teacher called it a merry-go-round. Around and around we go, waiting for the other person in the relationship to make the first move. Waiting and waiting to feel better, more loving but being totally self-focused. She said that even when we have "noble" moments where we make the first move, we attach so much expectation to our gesture that we become even more bitter and hurt when there is no positive response.
When I learned this from her, I felt in my heart that it was true. I hold my love and tenderness towards my husband hostage, waiting for his "payment" of his own love and tenderness. But Pete's addiction has magnified this struggle 100x. His addiction is the perfect excuse for me to withdraw and fester, getting so dizzy on that merry-go-round that I feel sick.
Recently a friend challenged me to set aside the addiction and share my heart with my husband once again, through an increased effort to be affectionate with him. It was hard at first, honestly it was awkward. And I didn't even do that great of a job, I'm still working on it.
I think sometimes we are willing to put ourselves out there, to feel vulnerable as long as we get the response we are looking for, as long as our investment pays off. But love doesn't require repayment. To be truly given, love must demand nothing in return. Naturally it will hurt if our husband does not respond with automatic adoration and appreciation. But many of us are in damaged relationships with wounds that are deep.
I know that when I am off that merry-go-round I feel at peace. Even if my emotional needs are still being neglected (which is still painful) I can feel comfortable that I am not contributing to the problem. And surprisingly my needs become less important as I spend more time thinking of his. Sometimes I find gratitude in the smallest most subtle changes I notice in him as his indication that he does in fact appreciate my efforts, even if his pride and addiction keep him from more dramatic demonstrations.
Some days, I admit, I am going to just hang out on that merry-go-round, desperately hoping he'll reach out. But those selfish days are always my worst, most miserable days. Last night at group meeting someone shared this quote and it is going to be imprinted on the inside of my eyelids until I start to feel it in my heart.
"When he treats me better, THEN I will be more affection with him. If he starts meeting MY needs then I will consider his needs. When he is doing ________ then I can't feel love for him."
Unfortunately our husbands are thinking
"It doesn't matter if I do what she wants, she still won't be intimate. If she would consider what I want, then I could be more loving to her."
Our teacher called it a merry-go-round. Around and around we go, waiting for the other person in the relationship to make the first move. Waiting and waiting to feel better, more loving but being totally self-focused. She said that even when we have "noble" moments where we make the first move, we attach so much expectation to our gesture that we become even more bitter and hurt when there is no positive response.
When I learned this from her, I felt in my heart that it was true. I hold my love and tenderness towards my husband hostage, waiting for his "payment" of his own love and tenderness. But Pete's addiction has magnified this struggle 100x. His addiction is the perfect excuse for me to withdraw and fester, getting so dizzy on that merry-go-round that I feel sick.
Recently a friend challenged me to set aside the addiction and share my heart with my husband once again, through an increased effort to be affectionate with him. It was hard at first, honestly it was awkward. And I didn't even do that great of a job, I'm still working on it.
I think sometimes we are willing to put ourselves out there, to feel vulnerable as long as we get the response we are looking for, as long as our investment pays off. But love doesn't require repayment. To be truly given, love must demand nothing in return. Naturally it will hurt if our husband does not respond with automatic adoration and appreciation. But many of us are in damaged relationships with wounds that are deep.
I know that when I am off that merry-go-round I feel at peace. Even if my emotional needs are still being neglected (which is still painful) I can feel comfortable that I am not contributing to the problem. And surprisingly my needs become less important as I spend more time thinking of his. Sometimes I find gratitude in the smallest most subtle changes I notice in him as his indication that he does in fact appreciate my efforts, even if his pride and addiction keep him from more dramatic demonstrations.
Some days, I admit, I am going to just hang out on that merry-go-round, desperately hoping he'll reach out. But those selfish days are always my worst, most miserable days. Last night at group meeting someone shared this quote and it is going to be imprinted on the inside of my eyelids until I start to feel it in my heart.
“But,” you ask, “what if people are rude?” Love them.
“If they are obnoxious?” Love them.
“But what if they offend? Surely I must do something then?”
Love them.
“Wayward?” The answer is the same. Be kind. Love them.
-Joseph B. Wirthlin Ensign May 2005
30 November 2011
Control
Pete had a rough week. He becomes vulnerable during the holidays or times when he doesn't go to work and follow his daily routine. What is the saying? Idleness is the devil's playground?
After warning me that he was struggling with his thoughts, I was on guard, but the day before Thanksgiving he seemed to be cheering up and pulling out of his rut. We watched a movie together and then our completely opposite expectations collided. An argument ensued and I saw a side of Pete that is rare and dark. I felt like he was being strongly influenced by the powers of adversary and he was irrational and angry. He finally rolled over and fell asleep, but I knew he was in a bad place.
I knew what was going to happen. I knew that he would wake up and be tempted. So I determined that I would stay up all night, on guard to protect him from himself. For hours I lied there, thinking and worrying. I felt the ugly fear that comes ahead of relapse. I cried because I was self-pitying. I felt a sense of hopelessness, that this would be my life forever.
I only lasted until about 2:30am and then I could no longer keep my eyes open. In the morning, just as I had expected, Pete confessed. I sobbed. I sobbed because it had been so obvious. It was so predictable, and STILL I could not prevent it. It wasn't even that I was angry that it had happened, I was just angry at my own helplessness.
Addiction recovery programs talk about how addictions cause our lives to become unmanagable. I'm realizing that by allowing my happiness to be dependent on my husband's behavior, I am co-dependent. And my co-dependency is making my life unmanagable. Al-anon uses a phrase about the Three Cs. You did not cause it, you can not control it and you are not able to cure it. I was willing to not sleep an entire night just to control my husband's behavior. But how many nights after that could I sacrifice sleep to be responsible for him?
I'm learning about boundaries. There are boundaries I can set up to help us along the way, like putting safegaurds on the computers. But some boundaries are asking too much of myself. I need to respect my own well being. I need to find my own peace despite his choices. I need to relinquish my desperate desire to "fix" him.
I need to let go, let God.
After warning me that he was struggling with his thoughts, I was on guard, but the day before Thanksgiving he seemed to be cheering up and pulling out of his rut. We watched a movie together and then our completely opposite expectations collided. An argument ensued and I saw a side of Pete that is rare and dark. I felt like he was being strongly influenced by the powers of adversary and he was irrational and angry. He finally rolled over and fell asleep, but I knew he was in a bad place.
I knew what was going to happen. I knew that he would wake up and be tempted. So I determined that I would stay up all night, on guard to protect him from himself. For hours I lied there, thinking and worrying. I felt the ugly fear that comes ahead of relapse. I cried because I was self-pitying. I felt a sense of hopelessness, that this would be my life forever.
I only lasted until about 2:30am and then I could no longer keep my eyes open. In the morning, just as I had expected, Pete confessed. I sobbed. I sobbed because it had been so obvious. It was so predictable, and STILL I could not prevent it. It wasn't even that I was angry that it had happened, I was just angry at my own helplessness.
Addiction recovery programs talk about how addictions cause our lives to become unmanagable. I'm realizing that by allowing my happiness to be dependent on my husband's behavior, I am co-dependent. And my co-dependency is making my life unmanagable. Al-anon uses a phrase about the Three Cs. You did not cause it, you can not control it and you are not able to cure it. I was willing to not sleep an entire night just to control my husband's behavior. But how many nights after that could I sacrifice sleep to be responsible for him?
I'm learning about boundaries. There are boundaries I can set up to help us along the way, like putting safegaurds on the computers. But some boundaries are asking too much of myself. I need to respect my own well being. I need to find my own peace despite his choices. I need to relinquish my desperate desire to "fix" him.
I need to let go, let God.
20 November 2011
looking past what it seems
I recently came across this blog post that shares a great story to illustrate exactly what I've been feeling lately. I'd never heard of the Brave Girls Club before but I certainly feel like it is a club I can belong to.
http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151
It makes me feel a little less lonely and a little more compassionate.
http://bravegirlsclub.com/archives/2151
It makes me feel a little less lonely and a little more compassionate.
15 November 2011
When the Crap Hits the Fan
I've heard this saying often in reference to the "event" wherein the wife learns of the husband's addiction. I love it because before the "event" our lives feel so pleasant and clean, because even though the "crap" exists we are unaware. When we become aware, all of the sudden everything feels filthy and messy. It stinks, but worse.
I was blessed (I guess?) that I learned of Pete's addiction gradually, as it became an addiction. Although he had seen pornography before our marriage it was incidental and still repulsive. A few years into our marriage he began to seek it out. These episodes were rare, and for the most part he confessed them immediately. He often told me that he struggled with his thoughts, but I considered that to be normal and although I appreciated his concern, I wasn't concerned.
The first time he told me he had purchased a pornographic program on a hotel television I felt nauseated. The idea that those images would be in the dark places of his mind forever both infuriated me and depressed me. I felt that he was changed forever. But I was still naive enough to believe it would never happen again, because I could see that he felt as sick about it as I did. That was four or five years ago.
It wasn't until a little over a year ago that he began throwing around the word "addiction." At first I felt like it was an excuse. It was as if he was telling me "Sorry. I'm addicted. Therefore I can't help myself." But I figured that if he was addicted it was good that he was admitting to it. Shortly after that milestone there came a time where he was acting out on his addiction and not telling me. He was sure that he would "fix" it, and then come to me when he was positive that he was "cured." After a visit with the bishop where he was reprimanded for that way of thinking he disclosed everything to me. Addiction thrives in secrecy.
This was when the crap hit the fan for me. This was when I realized that pornography was a part of my life now. I was married to an addict. This was when I cried often, and hard. This was when I considered threats and options for a way out. This was my darkest time.
That was one year ago. Ironically, this past year has been the worst so far regarding the frequency of episodes and relapses. But because of the frequency of our falls, our committment to overcome them has become more desperate, and much stronger. Pete has reached deep, as have I, and we have taken drastic steps toward recovery that we wouldn't have considered a year ago.
But we are still cleaning up the crap, still finding it in far-flung places. I suppose that is the way of recovery. But it's a work I'm willing to do.
I was blessed (I guess?) that I learned of Pete's addiction gradually, as it became an addiction. Although he had seen pornography before our marriage it was incidental and still repulsive. A few years into our marriage he began to seek it out. These episodes were rare, and for the most part he confessed them immediately. He often told me that he struggled with his thoughts, but I considered that to be normal and although I appreciated his concern, I wasn't concerned.
The first time he told me he had purchased a pornographic program on a hotel television I felt nauseated. The idea that those images would be in the dark places of his mind forever both infuriated me and depressed me. I felt that he was changed forever. But I was still naive enough to believe it would never happen again, because I could see that he felt as sick about it as I did. That was four or five years ago.
It wasn't until a little over a year ago that he began throwing around the word "addiction." At first I felt like it was an excuse. It was as if he was telling me "Sorry. I'm addicted. Therefore I can't help myself." But I figured that if he was addicted it was good that he was admitting to it. Shortly after that milestone there came a time where he was acting out on his addiction and not telling me. He was sure that he would "fix" it, and then come to me when he was positive that he was "cured." After a visit with the bishop where he was reprimanded for that way of thinking he disclosed everything to me. Addiction thrives in secrecy.
This was when the crap hit the fan for me. This was when I realized that pornography was a part of my life now. I was married to an addict. This was when I cried often, and hard. This was when I considered threats and options for a way out. This was my darkest time.
That was one year ago. Ironically, this past year has been the worst so far regarding the frequency of episodes and relapses. But because of the frequency of our falls, our committment to overcome them has become more desperate, and much stronger. Pete has reached deep, as have I, and we have taken drastic steps toward recovery that we wouldn't have considered a year ago.
But we are still cleaning up the crap, still finding it in far-flung places. I suppose that is the way of recovery. But it's a work I'm willing to do.
04 November 2011
Insight
Just as a continuation of my previous thoughts... the concept I described, [that if we knew why someone made the choices they did about divorce we wouldn't judge them for it], can be applied to pretty much everything.
I have next door neighbors that I have criticized in the past for things like how they discipline their children, that they don't go to church, blah blah blah. Then last weekend I learned something about them that made me feel so sheepish. And I thought about all the feelings I've been having lately.
If only I had known what good things they do. If I had known before that they are always serving our other neighbors, and that they make big sacrifices to get to church activities that anyone else would just skip. If had known all those things, I never would have been critical of them.
Isn't that ridiculous?
I'm so ashamed that I can't just take God's word for it. I can't just trust that if he loves everyone I should too.
My world came crashing down when I realized my husband, MY husband looked at pornography. I've been humbled. This experience is allowing me to see that everyone hurts, everyone gets disappointed, everyone is trying. Because, by golly I was trying and I still ended up witnessing sin first hand. Gradually, with much prayer, I am feeling love and acceptance of others without having to force it. Instead of loving because I am commanded, I love because I need love right now. I love because I know that in the quiet heart of another can be found the pain that resides in my own quiet heart.
Being married to a pornography addict isn't something you go around asking for sympathy about. But as I've mentioned before, sympathy is something I desperately want sometimes. So I am learning how to give it away, no strings attached. You don't have to tell me why you do what you do, choose what you choose, say what you say. I'll love you anyway.
I have next door neighbors that I have criticized in the past for things like how they discipline their children, that they don't go to church, blah blah blah. Then last weekend I learned something about them that made me feel so sheepish. And I thought about all the feelings I've been having lately.
If only I had known what good things they do. If I had known before that they are always serving our other neighbors, and that they make big sacrifices to get to church activities that anyone else would just skip. If had known all those things, I never would have been critical of them.
Isn't that ridiculous?
I'm so ashamed that I can't just take God's word for it. I can't just trust that if he loves everyone I should too.
My world came crashing down when I realized my husband, MY husband looked at pornography. I've been humbled. This experience is allowing me to see that everyone hurts, everyone gets disappointed, everyone is trying. Because, by golly I was trying and I still ended up witnessing sin first hand. Gradually, with much prayer, I am feeling love and acceptance of others without having to force it. Instead of loving because I am commanded, I love because I need love right now. I love because I know that in the quiet heart of another can be found the pain that resides in my own quiet heart.
Being married to a pornography addict isn't something you go around asking for sympathy about. But as I've mentioned before, sympathy is something I desperately want sometimes. So I am learning how to give it away, no strings attached. You don't have to tell me why you do what you do, choose what you choose, say what you say. I'll love you anyway.
30 October 2011
Insight part 1
I am fortunate, even in this difficult experience, that my husband is anxious for recovery and his addiction has not developed to infidelity or other painful manifestations. But many other women dealing with this or other issues have chosen the path of divorce, and today I had an insight regarding this choice women must make. I have a friend recently divorced and today I imagined her saying this to me.
"You want me to tell you what awful things my husband did to cause me to leave him. You want to understand, or perhaps you are just nosy. And I know that if I told you the sources of my pain, his hurtful behavior, you would feel sorry for me, your heart would be filled with compassion and you would understand. You would treat me with kindness, you would be supportive and you would proclaim your friendship and love.
But it is not fair of you to expect me to tell you. Even though I no longer wish to be married to him, I still care for and respect him enough to not share his weaknesses/problems/sins with the world, or you. Your love and friendship should not be conditional upon knowing the evidence so you can be sure for yourself that I've made the right choice. Can you not support me without forcing me to disclose all the details of my broken marriage?
Furthermore, suppose there were no awful things. Suppose I left him because I am selfish and unforgiving? Does this give you license to with-hold your love and friendship? Perhaps your heart will not be so full of sorrow and compassion for me, but are you not still commanded to love me the same? Treat me the same?"
"You want me to tell you what awful things my husband did to cause me to leave him. You want to understand, or perhaps you are just nosy. And I know that if I told you the sources of my pain, his hurtful behavior, you would feel sorry for me, your heart would be filled with compassion and you would understand. You would treat me with kindness, you would be supportive and you would proclaim your friendship and love.
But it is not fair of you to expect me to tell you. Even though I no longer wish to be married to him, I still care for and respect him enough to not share his weaknesses/problems/sins with the world, or you. Your love and friendship should not be conditional upon knowing the evidence so you can be sure for yourself that I've made the right choice. Can you not support me without forcing me to disclose all the details of my broken marriage?
Furthermore, suppose there were no awful things. Suppose I left him because I am selfish and unforgiving? Does this give you license to with-hold your love and friendship? Perhaps your heart will not be so full of sorrow and compassion for me, but are you not still commanded to love me the same? Treat me the same?"
28 October 2011
Addiction Recovery Group Meetings
I attended my first addiction recovery group meeting this week. The meeting was for loved ones of addicts, and we met in the room next to the group meeting for the addicts. It was a life-changing experience for me, and I don't use that term lightly. I feel like I've learned a lot about judgement and criticism through this whole process, but this meeting took me to a new level.
In this room, with these women there was no pride, and therefore no shame. There was no comparing, no criticism, no judging. No one bothered to pretend they were happy if they weren't, or save face or hide their hurt. It was real women, totally genuine and exposed. Instead of insecurity, this room was full of compassion, unity, humility, kindness, acceptance, understanding, empathy and most importantly charity; true Christ-like love.
Every once in awhile during a relief society lesson or a testimony meeting I have tasted of this love. But during this meeting my eyes were opened to the way God wants us to view each other and my whole heart was truly full of His love. The wonderful part is that while the feeling was strongest with the women in the room, I have been able to carry a part of it with me and draw upon it when I feel compelled to form opinions about the choices of other people around me.
There were many other great things about the meeting and the program. There is much for me to learn and the program offers many tools and lessons to help in recovery. If you haven't attended a meeting like this, and one is available to you, I highly recommend it. I was honestly so nervous I was shaking, but that fear departed so quickly and I am anxious to go back.
Have you been? How did you feel?
In this room, with these women there was no pride, and therefore no shame. There was no comparing, no criticism, no judging. No one bothered to pretend they were happy if they weren't, or save face or hide their hurt. It was real women, totally genuine and exposed. Instead of insecurity, this room was full of compassion, unity, humility, kindness, acceptance, understanding, empathy and most importantly charity; true Christ-like love.
Every once in awhile during a relief society lesson or a testimony meeting I have tasted of this love. But during this meeting my eyes were opened to the way God wants us to view each other and my whole heart was truly full of His love. The wonderful part is that while the feeling was strongest with the women in the room, I have been able to carry a part of it with me and draw upon it when I feel compelled to form opinions about the choices of other people around me.
There were many other great things about the meeting and the program. There is much for me to learn and the program offers many tools and lessons to help in recovery. If you haven't attended a meeting like this, and one is available to you, I highly recommend it. I was honestly so nervous I was shaking, but that fear departed so quickly and I am anxious to go back.
Have you been? How did you feel?
25 October 2011
to the young ladies
Dear Young Girl-
I saw your profile picture on Facebook today. You are 19 years old, you are attractive and your world revolves around boys. I know you want them to be attracted to you, so you have chosen to wear clothes like this. Your outfit is just skimpy enough to be provocative, but not over the line, not too immodest for a mormon girl. You feel "sexy" when you dress this way. But this is what I foresee for you.
You will meet a handsome young man who likes the way you look. You will marry and a have a few adorable children. Then you will discover that your husband is addicted to pornography and lust. This will break your heart, and suddenly you will loathe "sexy."
You will realize that you are not "sexy", not like the women your husband feels compelled to look at. And for that matter, you will no longer desire to be "sexy." You will desire to be loved by the man you chose, just the way you are, with the body you have now after bearing his children.
Protect your virtue. Respect yourself and demand the boys you date do likewise. Perhaps then you will attract a young man who does not want "sexy." Or even if you do, you can be confident that he married you for your true worth and not for your sexual appeal. Perhaps you will spare yourself this heartache, and you will not look back with regret at the way you advertised yourself as a young woman.
This is my advice to you.
23 October 2011
press forward
We met again with the stake president and it was another great experience. I really felt the spirit and I could tell that Pete felt humble and willing to do whatever the stake president had decided. He extended the calling as elder's quorum president to Pete, and he accepted.
During the nearly two weeks that this process took place I prayed and prayed for humility. I've realized my attitude about callings has been so misguided in the past. A calling is no indication of righteousness. Of course there is worthiness involved, but God has plans for his children that are deeply personal and individual and forming general opinions of people based on the way they serve in the church is unfair and just plain off-base. Pete and I were both so taken back by this turn of events, but at the same time there were conversations, events and feelings that made us both realize God is aware of us.
With the encouragement of the stake president, my husband agreed to attend the 12-Step group meetings. A group for the spouse meets at the same time and I plan to attend that as well. We are both apprehensive, but hopeful. The last few days since our meeting with the stake president I have felt like perhaps this is a turning point for us.
While it is tempting to think that this is the end of Pete's struggle, I resist the urge to do so. I feel more like it is another beginning. The road ahead is still long, but I am praying for fewer obstacles and bumps than the road behind that we have travelled to get here.
During the nearly two weeks that this process took place I prayed and prayed for humility. I've realized my attitude about callings has been so misguided in the past. A calling is no indication of righteousness. Of course there is worthiness involved, but God has plans for his children that are deeply personal and individual and forming general opinions of people based on the way they serve in the church is unfair and just plain off-base. Pete and I were both so taken back by this turn of events, but at the same time there were conversations, events and feelings that made us both realize God is aware of us.
With the encouragement of the stake president, my husband agreed to attend the 12-Step group meetings. A group for the spouse meets at the same time and I plan to attend that as well. We are both apprehensive, but hopeful. The last few days since our meeting with the stake president I have felt like perhaps this is a turning point for us.
While it is tempting to think that this is the end of Pete's struggle, I resist the urge to do so. I feel more like it is another beginning. The road ahead is still long, but I am praying for fewer obstacles and bumps than the road behind that we have travelled to get here.
18 October 2011
leadership and love
Over a week ago my husband got a call from the stake secretary to set up an appointment with the stake president. We both were pretty sure it was for a new calling and since Pete was out of town we didn't get to meet with him until Sunday. It was a painful week. I felt embarrassed and ashamed that my husband had issues with worthiness. Pete was anxious because he knew he needed to disclose his struggles. Our nervousness was compounded by the fact that our stake president is a stern man.
We met with him during Sunday school. He called in my husband first, to ask privately about worthiness, and then he invited me in. As soon as I saw his face I felt comfort and knew that he was going to be kind.
He was more than kind. We talked briefly about my feelings and how I was coping. He said he felt strongly that the Lord wanted Pete to have this calling but needed to pray again in light of the new information. He asked if he could meet with us again in a few days. At the end of our visit he became emotional as he warned my husband that he had a good wife and not to "lose" me.
To be honest, during the visit I was confused why HE was the one who was weeping. But later on as I thought about it my heart was filled with love and appreciation. I realized how he really does care about the people he meets with. His heart probably aches when he hears about more and more couples struggling with this, because he has probably seen firsthand, marriages destroyed.
It was such a touching experience. I didn't feel judged, I felt loved. I didn't feel criticism, I felt concern. It was a good example to me of how I should be treating others. It has given me humility as I prepare for whatever the Lord has in mind for my husband. It is hard not to be disappointed when I think that he might not be worthy to serve in the calling. And if he does still get called, how is that possible given his proclivities? Either way, it will be another learning experience in this journey.
We met with him during Sunday school. He called in my husband first, to ask privately about worthiness, and then he invited me in. As soon as I saw his face I felt comfort and knew that he was going to be kind.
He was more than kind. We talked briefly about my feelings and how I was coping. He said he felt strongly that the Lord wanted Pete to have this calling but needed to pray again in light of the new information. He asked if he could meet with us again in a few days. At the end of our visit he became emotional as he warned my husband that he had a good wife and not to "lose" me.
To be honest, during the visit I was confused why HE was the one who was weeping. But later on as I thought about it my heart was filled with love and appreciation. I realized how he really does care about the people he meets with. His heart probably aches when he hears about more and more couples struggling with this, because he has probably seen firsthand, marriages destroyed.
It was such a touching experience. I didn't feel judged, I felt loved. I didn't feel criticism, I felt concern. It was a good example to me of how I should be treating others. It has given me humility as I prepare for whatever the Lord has in mind for my husband. It is hard not to be disappointed when I think that he might not be worthy to serve in the calling. And if he does still get called, how is that possible given his proclivities? Either way, it will be another learning experience in this journey.
01 October 2011
Slight Consolation
Although we learn many lessons from our trials, they don't make us saints. Nevertheless they change us, and give us an opportunity to think more deeply and feel more acutely than we otherwise would have. At moments this doesn't seem like a blessing when our acute feelings are pain and anguish. But sometimes I look at others with pity, who can not really taste the sweet because they haven't known the bitter.
29 September 2011
I need this
Last night I stayed up past midnight reading this blog. Momma J broke my heart as she described her experiences, as they were happening, over the last two years since she discovered her husband's many indescretions. Repeatedly I wept as she wrote in anguish. I've been thinking about her all night and all day today. I've also been thinking of a friend I know who went through a similar experience. We were not close enough for me to know her thoughts and the details of her situation in the way that Momma J anonymously shared.
Have you seen Pride & Prejudice? The scene where Elizabeth is trying to explain to her father that she was completely wrong about Mr. Darcy? How she completely misjudged him? This is exactly how I feel about my friend. And not just her, but many other people.
It hit me today that I need this trial. I know my husband has his agency, and I wish dearly he had made different choices in the past. But this experience is teaching me something that I wasn't learning before.
I hate it when pornography comes up in church or in family discussions. It is uncomfortable, of course, but I hate the way people, even members of my family, talk about men who view pornography. It is so judgemental and condemning. What I'm learning is that things so often aren't what they seem. Men who are tempted by pornography aren't what they seem. One of my favorite lines in a hymn is from Lord, I Would Follow Thee. It says "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see."
We think we are qualified to make judgements with the information we have. We even justify our judgements by pretending that pointing out the faults of others teaches us valuable lessons. We suppose that we are taking a stand for righteousness when we sit around and discuss the wrong choices people around us are making.
This experience is helping me to see how little I see. It is helping me to understand how I don't understand. The more I learn the more I realize how little I know. It is so absolutely humbling. And that is what I need.
Have you seen Pride & Prejudice? The scene where Elizabeth is trying to explain to her father that she was completely wrong about Mr. Darcy? How she completely misjudged him? This is exactly how I feel about my friend. And not just her, but many other people.
It hit me today that I need this trial. I know my husband has his agency, and I wish dearly he had made different choices in the past. But this experience is teaching me something that I wasn't learning before.
I hate it when pornography comes up in church or in family discussions. It is uncomfortable, of course, but I hate the way people, even members of my family, talk about men who view pornography. It is so judgemental and condemning. What I'm learning is that things so often aren't what they seem. Men who are tempted by pornography aren't what they seem. One of my favorite lines in a hymn is from Lord, I Would Follow Thee. It says "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see."
We think we are qualified to make judgements with the information we have. We even justify our judgements by pretending that pointing out the faults of others teaches us valuable lessons. We suppose that we are taking a stand for righteousness when we sit around and discuss the wrong choices people around us are making.
This experience is helping me to see how little I see. It is helping me to understand how I don't understand. The more I learn the more I realize how little I know. It is so absolutely humbling. And that is what I need.
27 September 2011
Forgiveness after Relapse
Pete's week of travel did not end well. His last night away he stayed in a hotel with no safe, and during the middle of the night he relented to temptation. The next morning, hours before he was to return home, he texted me his confession.
Of course I was angry and hurt. I cried briefly and then busied myself with the day's tasks. At first I was anxious for him to get home so he could see how angry and hurt I was. But the hours went by and not long before he was to arrive I read an article my brother had emailed me. The article had nothing to do with what was on my mind, but I felt the spirit and my heart was softened. As soon as I saw Pete, looking hurt and broken himself, I knew I wanted to forgive him.
Usually after a confession we go through an awkward time of my withdrawal. We avoid each other while I wallow in my frustrations, and him in his. I feel like the angrier I am and the more hurt I appear, the more he will realize how his actions effect me. I act this way until the spirit starts to work on me, and I feel like I've made my point. This time I knew right away that I didn't need to pout for days for him to understand how he his actions effect me. I offered immediate forgiveness and he offered genuine apologies and infinite gratitude.
Forgiveness has helped me personally to avoid feelings of bitterness and resentment. I feel close to Pete rather than angry at him. I've let go of thoughts of retaliation and ideas that I need to prove something to him or teach him a lesson.
The best way I can explain it is the way Pete said it. My immediate forgiveness has given us a "head-start". Instead of a time period of coldness and animosity in our home, that fosters further difficulties and temptations for Pete, our home is warm and encouraging. Together we are focusing on moving forward, letting go of the past and maintaining our hope for the future.
I was surprised at how quickly forgiveness came to me. It never has before, it may not always, and it probably doesn't come that quickly for everyone. But I can testify that the principle of forgiveness applies to me in my situation. It is a commandment with a wonderful blessing, it has healed my heart and will save my marriage.
Of course I was angry and hurt. I cried briefly and then busied myself with the day's tasks. At first I was anxious for him to get home so he could see how angry and hurt I was. But the hours went by and not long before he was to arrive I read an article my brother had emailed me. The article had nothing to do with what was on my mind, but I felt the spirit and my heart was softened. As soon as I saw Pete, looking hurt and broken himself, I knew I wanted to forgive him.
Usually after a confession we go through an awkward time of my withdrawal. We avoid each other while I wallow in my frustrations, and him in his. I feel like the angrier I am and the more hurt I appear, the more he will realize how his actions effect me. I act this way until the spirit starts to work on me, and I feel like I've made my point. This time I knew right away that I didn't need to pout for days for him to understand how he his actions effect me. I offered immediate forgiveness and he offered genuine apologies and infinite gratitude.
Forgiveness has helped me personally to avoid feelings of bitterness and resentment. I feel close to Pete rather than angry at him. I've let go of thoughts of retaliation and ideas that I need to prove something to him or teach him a lesson.
The best way I can explain it is the way Pete said it. My immediate forgiveness has given us a "head-start". Instead of a time period of coldness and animosity in our home, that fosters further difficulties and temptations for Pete, our home is warm and encouraging. Together we are focusing on moving forward, letting go of the past and maintaining our hope for the future.
I was surprised at how quickly forgiveness came to me. It never has before, it may not always, and it probably doesn't come that quickly for everyone. But I can testify that the principle of forgiveness applies to me in my situation. It is a commandment with a wonderful blessing, it has healed my heart and will save my marriage.
22 September 2011
H.A.L.T.
I mentioned earlier that Pete decided to tell his dad about his addiction, and doing so has been so helpful. His dad shared with us the acronym H.A.L.T. It stands for "Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired." These are the psychological/emotional "places" where temptation most often occurs. Looking back I can see how it is true, not just for my husband but for me as well.
Pete is out of town this week at a training. All day he sits in meetings and then in the evenings he has been busy catching up with work/emails. One day the training was particularly boring and after being away from me and the family he was feeling both tired and lonely. His thoughts started to wander and by the time he returned to his hotel room he was struggling. Usually as soon as he checks into his hotel room he puts the tv remote in the safe and punches in some random code with his eyes closed. This time the maid had noticed the remote was missing and left a new one. After fighting for a few minutes, he finally called his dad, and they worked out a plan. He took his computer down to the hotel lobby and did his work there. When he called me that night I suggested he return the remote and he told me he had called the front desk and asked them to turn off the purchase movie channels. By then the temptation had mostly subsided and he was in a good place again. Rising above this episode of weakness has been so good for both us, but especially him and I'm so proud of him for it.
Travel is so hard. It's hard for me because the trust isn't there completely and sometimes I get sick with worry. It is hard for him because it is a perfect storm for temptation to occur. But knowing the triggers and having/making a plan is helping so much.
Pete is out of town this week at a training. All day he sits in meetings and then in the evenings he has been busy catching up with work/emails. One day the training was particularly boring and after being away from me and the family he was feeling both tired and lonely. His thoughts started to wander and by the time he returned to his hotel room he was struggling. Usually as soon as he checks into his hotel room he puts the tv remote in the safe and punches in some random code with his eyes closed. This time the maid had noticed the remote was missing and left a new one. After fighting for a few minutes, he finally called his dad, and they worked out a plan. He took his computer down to the hotel lobby and did his work there. When he called me that night I suggested he return the remote and he told me he had called the front desk and asked them to turn off the purchase movie channels. By then the temptation had mostly subsided and he was in a good place again. Rising above this episode of weakness has been so good for both us, but especially him and I'm so proud of him for it.
Travel is so hard. It's hard for me because the trust isn't there completely and sometimes I get sick with worry. It is hard for him because it is a perfect storm for temptation to occur. But knowing the triggers and having/making a plan is helping so much.
06 September 2011
Seeking support
Pete struggled for two or three years with just me and the Bishop aware of his problem, and it was getting worse. After a frustrating couple of weeks with repeated episodes, we hadn't been speaking much to each other for a few days. When we finally sat down to talk about it I told him that I felt it was time for him to talk to his dad, who is also a bishop. He said he had been having that same thought. It was a testament to me that even when we aren't behaving the way we should (Pete was giving in to temptation and I was angry) the Lord blesses us with promptings from the Holy Ghost to help us, because he loves us.
My husband did discuss it with his dad. It was painful and terrifying but his father was completely understanding and compassionate. Since that time he has made tremendous progress. I also have felt as if I'm not bearing this burden alone. Before, I felt tremendous pressure to be constantly supportive to Pete. Now I know that when I am feeling weak, he can turn to his dad for additional encouragement and support. His dad has given him blessings and calls him to check-in on a regular basis. He asks him direct questions and makes him accountable, all the while being loving and kind.
I am so grateful for my father-in-law's help. I hope that every couple can find other friends or family members to help them along the way. I am also grateful that Pete and I were able to listen to the promptings we felt and act on them even though we were both afraid to do so.
My husband did discuss it with his dad. It was painful and terrifying but his father was completely understanding and compassionate. Since that time he has made tremendous progress. I also have felt as if I'm not bearing this burden alone. Before, I felt tremendous pressure to be constantly supportive to Pete. Now I know that when I am feeling weak, he can turn to his dad for additional encouragement and support. His dad has given him blessings and calls him to check-in on a regular basis. He asks him direct questions and makes him accountable, all the while being loving and kind.
I am so grateful for my father-in-law's help. I hope that every couple can find other friends or family members to help them along the way. I am also grateful that Pete and I were able to listen to the promptings we felt and act on them even though we were both afraid to do so.
10 August 2011
Intimacy
I find that I'm stuck in a vicious cycle. When Pete views pornography and practices self-gratification I withdraw my physical affection and shut down sexually. Some of the reasons for this are obvious, some I am still discovering. But the more our intimate relationship suffers the more he is tempted by outside sources for fulfillment of his desires.
I am learning not to take responsibility for his actions. I used to believe that if we just had sex more often he wouldn't be interested in pornography. I know that this is not true. He has an addiction and I can't make it go away by forcing intimacy that is neither fulfilling or enjoyable for me. He has damaged our intimate relationship and therefore it will take time and effort to repair that damage. In the meantime he will have to learn to resist temptation and suppress his raging hormones because I refuse to have sex just to appease him. This is not to say that I withhold intimacy out of anger and revenge. I am trying to regain my desire and have a healthy sexual relationship in spite of his struggles.
I used this analogy the other night to explain to him how his episodes with pornography and self-gratification have hurt my self esteem. He is the financial provider in our home. He takes pride and satisfaction in knowing that he is capable of meeting my material needs. He works hard to support us and give us a comfortable life, and is confident in doing so. When he looks elsewhere to meet his sexual needs I feel robbed of my opportunity to meet those needs for him, the way God intended. It hurts my self-esteem and self image.
My other struggle comes when my husband approaches me to solicit intercourse. I find myself doubting his motives. Is he coming on to me because his male body desires gratification? Or is he attracted to me, loves me, and longs for us to be intimate again?
Getting past pornography to have a healthy intimate relationship is so difficult. But I know that it is an important step to healing and ultimately will help us be happy and emotionally close.
I have found a great source to help me. The Marital Intimacy Show by Laura Brotherson. She is straightforward and understanding. You can get the podcast for free on iTunes.
I am learning not to take responsibility for his actions. I used to believe that if we just had sex more often he wouldn't be interested in pornography. I know that this is not true. He has an addiction and I can't make it go away by forcing intimacy that is neither fulfilling or enjoyable for me. He has damaged our intimate relationship and therefore it will take time and effort to repair that damage. In the meantime he will have to learn to resist temptation and suppress his raging hormones because I refuse to have sex just to appease him. This is not to say that I withhold intimacy out of anger and revenge. I am trying to regain my desire and have a healthy sexual relationship in spite of his struggles.
I used this analogy the other night to explain to him how his episodes with pornography and self-gratification have hurt my self esteem. He is the financial provider in our home. He takes pride and satisfaction in knowing that he is capable of meeting my material needs. He works hard to support us and give us a comfortable life, and is confident in doing so. When he looks elsewhere to meet his sexual needs I feel robbed of my opportunity to meet those needs for him, the way God intended. It hurts my self-esteem and self image.
My other struggle comes when my husband approaches me to solicit intercourse. I find myself doubting his motives. Is he coming on to me because his male body desires gratification? Or is he attracted to me, loves me, and longs for us to be intimate again?
Getting past pornography to have a healthy intimate relationship is so difficult. But I know that it is an important step to healing and ultimately will help us be happy and emotionally close.
I have found a great source to help me. The Marital Intimacy Show by Laura Brotherson. She is straightforward and understanding. You can get the podcast for free on iTunes.
07 August 2011
Judge Not
After Pete's most recent episode I desperately wanted to talk to someone. It always feels so lonely during the times when we are not communicating well. What I wanted was a friend who I could pour my heart out to, and disclose everything. I wanted some small relief of my burden by sharing it with another.
Unfortunately I knew this wasn't possible, or wise. I couldn't betray Pete by sharing his weaknesses publicly. And I could not think of any friend who would be able to listen without judging. Pornography is so taboo that I feel my friend's opinion of my husband would be forever altered in a negative way. I wish this were not the case and it caused me to reflect on what friendship really means.
All I wanted was acceptance. I wanted to be able to lay it all on the table with a good friend and have her love me unconditionally. I didn't expect her to condone his behavior, absolutely not. I just wanted to know that her loyalty would remain unchanged. I've never felt so strongly the desire not to be judged. It made my heart ache.
I hope to take this lesson with me. I hope to be the kind of friend that loves in spite of sin, especially much less grevious sins. I hope to be able to offer forgiveness so instantly when a friend confesses or offends that my love remains the same, or perhaps even grows.
My capacity for empathy grows each day as I realize that all of us have temptations that we are aware and often ashamed of. Part of coping with Pete's addiction is finding humility and getting past my feelings of embarrassment and pride. But that is another chapter for another day...
Unfortunately I knew this wasn't possible, or wise. I couldn't betray Pete by sharing his weaknesses publicly. And I could not think of any friend who would be able to listen without judging. Pornography is so taboo that I feel my friend's opinion of my husband would be forever altered in a negative way. I wish this were not the case and it caused me to reflect on what friendship really means.
All I wanted was acceptance. I wanted to be able to lay it all on the table with a good friend and have her love me unconditionally. I didn't expect her to condone his behavior, absolutely not. I just wanted to know that her loyalty would remain unchanged. I've never felt so strongly the desire not to be judged. It made my heart ache.
I hope to take this lesson with me. I hope to be the kind of friend that loves in spite of sin, especially much less grevious sins. I hope to be able to offer forgiveness so instantly when a friend confesses or offends that my love remains the same, or perhaps even grows.
My capacity for empathy grows each day as I realize that all of us have temptations that we are aware and often ashamed of. Part of coping with Pete's addiction is finding humility and getting past my feelings of embarrassment and pride. But that is another chapter for another day...
06 August 2011
My Story
When I married my husband (who I refer to as "Pete") eight years ago in the temple he was a straight arrow. He was chaste and morally clean. He had never been tempted by pornography or self-gratification. Four or five years into our marriage he began to travel for work and one night in his hotel room out of curiosity he viewed pornography for the first time. In the last three years he has worked hard to deal with this ever growing addiction and we continute to endure setbacks. I believe in the atonement, I am committed to our marriage, and I have hope for better days. But it is a difficult road at times and I started this blog to express my thoughts and share my insights.
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